⛔️ I'm scared.
#57 overcoming perfectionism and procrastination in art
Dear little demon,
Welcome to the edition #57 of The Art Missive. We are now 11,891 😈 in this newsletter! Whether you've been here from the start or just arrived, thank you so much for reading ❤.
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In this Missive:
1/ Intro.
2/ Failed.
3/ Procrastination disguised.
4/ The true evil.
5/ Conclusion.
1/ Intro.
“As soon as you get back, you start painting right away. You need to quickly produce two or three new portraits to implement what we've learned together.”
My mentor warned me: now that the course is over, I need to practice. A lot. All the time. And especially, right away. If I wait too long, I'll risk slowing down my progress, or worse, forgetting the important nuances of his teaching.
I know it. But...
It's been 10 days now since I got back.
10 days of going in circles in my atelier.
10 days with my pencils, paints, and easel ready to go.
And yet, I haven't put a single pigment on the still blank canvas.
A few weeks ago, I hoped that this 3-week oil painting course would help me overcome my art block and repair the unhealthy relationship I had developed toward creation. Well... It's clear now that it hasn’t fixed the deeper issue that’s preventing me from creating.
At this rate... I'm going to waste my potential and ruin my career as an artist, what should I do?!
Welcome to edition #57 of The Art Missive, a week where I overcome procrastination and perfectionism.
2/ Failed.
It's Friday evening. I'm sitting in my tidy studio, enjoying the delightful feeling of a productive week.
Yet... Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday... The days passed by in the French countryside without me even touching a canvas. I don't even have a hint of an idea for a new portrait.
Taking stock: the boxes on my to-do list are checked, but I've failed.
"But I had so much to do when I got back!!" I try to explain to myself why I couldn't pick up a brush. And with a little digging, I realized that I keep falling into the same trap again and again.
Every time I have to start a new piece, it's the same thing. I put pressure on myself. The pressure to create an incredible character. To paint the portrait of the century. To craft something unique and never done before…
I find myself paralyzed in front of the unattainable goal I've set for myself. And as if to delay the inevitable failure, I fill my schedule with non-essential tasks that will give me a good excuse for not having started my work.
My procrastination disguised as productivity has led me to do some silly things this week: like cleaning a studio that was already clean from top to bottom. Or even taking storytelling and photography courses as if they would help me paint! Productive procrastination is a fly that bites very hard.
3/ Procrastination disguised.
“You? procrastinating? Nonsense... You're constantly working!”
That's what my mother replied when I tried to talk to her about my problem. For those around me, it's unthinkable. Léa, the fearless one. The high achiever. The risk-taker. The strategist. The workaholic. How could this Léa let herself become overwhelmed and be lazy enough to procrastinate?
That's the whole trick of productive procrastination, it's invisible.
We put off important tasks in favor of other activities that are still productive but not necessarily what we should be doing now. And it's dangerous because it gives us the illusion of accomplishing something while we fall behind on the most essential thing: making art.
However, what 5 years of entrepreneurship has taught me is that procrastination is never really the problem. It's just the tip of the iceberg. The tangible consequence of a deeper issue.
The fear of failure.
And as I procrastinated these past few days, I came across an article written by the psychotherapist and international bestselling author, Amy Morin:
“Fearing failure as they do, perfectionists will sometimes worry so much about doing something imperfectly that they become immobilized and fail to do anything at all. This procrastination can then lead to greater feelings of failure, further perpetuating a vicious and paralyzing cycle.”
As Friday night settles in, silence envelops me. Amidst the darkness, illuminated only by a small lamp, I finally realize:
I am paralyzed by fear.
The fear of disappointing my mentor, who has devoted so many hours to imparting their knowledge to me.
The fear of letting down my loved ones, who were so enchanted by my first painting.
The fear of disappointing you, who are witnessing my journey.
And above all, the fear of disappointing myself. Of not achieving my goals. Of not being good enough.
4/ The true evil.
It reminded me of a passage I had read in Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Big Magic:
“Dearest Fear: Creativity and I are about to go on a road trip together. I understand you’ll be joining us, because you always do. I do acknowledge that you believe you have an important job to do in my life, and that your take your job seriously. Apparently your job is to induce complete panic whenever I’m about to do anything interesting – and, may I say, you are superb at your job. So by all means, keep doing your job, if you feel you must. But I will also be doing my job on this road trip, which is to work hard and stay focused. And Creativity will be doing its job, which is to remain stimulating and inspiring. There’s plenty of room in this vehicle for all of us, so make yourself at home, but understand this: Creativity and I are the only ones who will be making any decisions along the way.”
Reading these words instantly made my entire body relaxed, liberated from the shadow of Fear. Fear ceased to show me the illusion of the disappointed gaze of my mentor, my loved ones turning away, or my own reflection in the mirror judging me. Fear fell silent for a moment. And rereading this passage was the best thing I could have done at this point of my journey.
In her book, Elizabeth Gilbert advises against trying to rid ourselves of Fear, which plays an important role for creatives. For her, the best way to overcome our inner fears is to accept them. The key is to find a way to coexist with Fear alongside our ambitions and goals.
So this weekend, I made the decision to start two portraits, no matter what. I put my brain on pause and took action. “No time to think, Léa, you have 48 hours to create two satisfying references so you can start painting them on Monday.” I spent Saturday and Sunday with my new allies: my camera, Midjourney, and Photoshop. The four of us managed to produce two fantastic references that will serve as the basis for my paintings. I also cleared my whole schedule for this week to ensure that I will focus on the essentials: painting. And what did all of this serve? EVERYTHING. It gave me energy, it inspired me, it reignited my desire to get started.
5/ Conclusion
Now, I'm in a phase where I let Creativity take the wheel and make sure I get things done while Fear and I smooch in the back seat. You know, I'm really good at putting pressure on myself and not so great at letting go. So I've decided to implement some tools to “shut up and work“, as Rick Owens would say:
Every week, I set myself a deadline for my essentials. For example, this week, I have to finish the sketch and underpainting of my new works Ruler and Soldier (I'm so excited to show you them!).
I've created an anxiety sheet for myself. When I catch myself procrastinating, I open my note and click on the link that corresponds to how I'm feeling. For each state, I've found a short video or a quote that motivates me in the short term and nurtures a growth mindset in the long term.
I immerse myself in what scares me. For example, I keep oil painting art books constantly open on my desk. I've also set up an automation on my iPhone that sends me to Patreon or Udemy every time I open Instagram or YouTube. It encourages me to consume a lot of videos on oil painting and to demystify the act of painting!
I try to make the process funnier by working with music and focusing on topics that really interest me in my art: fantastical worlds, characters with superpowers, nature...
Voilà, that's all from me, see you next week! 😈
Léa
This one was so good, I myself am going through a bit of productive procrastination/fear. Thank you, this was exactly what I needed right now 🙏
Omg I felt this so much! I’ve been in this struggle for a long time.. that kind of procrastination is my daily status but I’m fighting to control it. I got restrictions for social media and I’ve been cleaning my space for a better mental health. This helped me so much, this inspired me to keep going so, thank you♥️